Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Eyes Wide Open

Vacation is over and Sean has gone back to work. I have a million house projects to get started on. Funny how you can ignore the little things when one is so busy and can't deal with them and then one day you turn around and bam, there they all are right in your face.

So I wander from room to room taking stock and adding to the to-do list. The one thing that continues to strike me is the silence in the house. It's been almost six months since Rogue died and longer even than that since he would freely follow me from room to room. I miss the companionship he gave me, the calm I got petting him. I miss my sense of purpose being there for him. There are countless things I don't miss too. The stress, the financial expenses, the pain of not being able to fix him. But at the end of the day, my home, my family is not complete anymore.

During the school year it was easy to push these thoughts aside. I was busy, it was too soon, we weren't ready. All of those arguments still hold true yet, the longing does not subside. I want a dog, our family needs a dog. Ultimately, we may not be ready. There are fears. Real fears. What if we end up with another dog like Rogue? What if inspite of all our efforts this time, we find another needy, genetic misfit? Could we live through that again?

When I think back on what we gave Rogue and what he gave us in return, I can't help but think that fate is what caused us to be matched up. He needed us. Yes, we all made some mistakes along the way but isn't that really what life is? A series of learning events? How many of us make mistakes in our human relationships? There are no guarantees in life, no certainties except eventually death. It's what happens in between the birth and the death that really makes the life.

So am I ready for a new dog? No, and Yes. What I know is that it's a leap of faith. As little Susan learned in Miracle on 34th Street- "Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to."

There are no guarantees in life. Human parents don't get one and neither do pet parents. However, I've lived my life with fur kids and I'm living it right now without and there is no doubt in my mind it's a leap of faith I'm willing to take.

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