Today I almost kept driving. I had places to go and people to meet but I'd had enough. I'm on overload. I've lost my sense of direction and I entertained the possibility that I might just find it on the open road.
But just as quickly as the desire came, it was replaced by reason. Obligation. Life. Lately I've been unsure of my role and expectation. Wandering lost, I've found odd comfort in the songs of my teenage years. I belt out Pearl Jam, get worked up right along with the angry chicks and wonder what happened to get me back here. Sure the hour long phone calls to my high school best friend have been replaced with chocolate wrappers and a new found love of martinis or an open bottle of red wine on a school night. Yelling at Sean as we drive to dinner, and being shocked at the way we treat each other. Behavior that used to be forbidden has become my norm. I'm drifting aimlessly through my life these days.
Apparently I'm not alone. There are a few of us feeling similarly these days. Some of us are just better at faking it than others. Maybe it is about time we learn to lean on each other again rather than backing away. Maybe the casual "hey, how are you" with the obligatory "fine" should be replaced by a "hi, how ARE you". The delivery makes the difference.
As I found today, when I decided not to hit the road and rather keep the obligation. Where I found a friend who took one look at my face and said "are you ok?" It's the shared experiences that keeps us close and holds us together when the other parts of our lives are on shaky ground. When regardless of whose fault it is, it feels like you are constantly on a fault line, walking gingerly so as to not fall into unstable territory. I hope to find my footing again soon. In the meantime, I give thanks to those who use their light to help me find my way back home again.
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