This is it?

Sitting at my nephew's fall band concert balancing 48 writing samples on my lap I come to the full realization of the insanity that has become my normal. I rationalize this by the thought that music is observed with the ears, not the eyes or the mind really. The important thing is that I am here. It doesn't matter how present I really am, I'm in the audience and for now that has to suffice. Forget the fact that it is also my sister's birthday and yet I spent the entire dinner with thoughts of all I need to do flooding my mind.

I have gone a little insane. What used to seem ludicrous has become commonplace with me over the past 10 weeks or so. I have gone from managing a class of about 30 or less 3rd graders to a total student load in the mid 70s. I have stacks of papers higher than most of my former beautiful shoes on a daily basis. It defies the human brain to think of this in any rational sense.

I feel like I am constantly in a dream. I am completely overwhelmed yet I try to appear competent. I know I'm failing miserably. I miss my carefree summer. I miss my home life and my new dog. I miss running in the daylight with my dear running friends. I have a half marathon in less than three weeks and I hope that I don't have pneumonia by the time it finally gets here.

In the back of my mind a flame is beginning to burn. "What are you doing?" it beckons. Why are you working so hard. This shouldn't be this hard. I worry that if it is this hard then I'm in the wrong profession. But if not this, then what? My head reels at the idea of completing those 6 looming credits to finish my masters and keep my license, and then I stop in utter panic at the idea of not. It's a juxtaposition and I don't know which road to take.

Parent teacher conferences start tomorrow night. It's why I'm such a stress ball and why I'm balancing 48 papers on my lap while trying to listen to my nephew's music. How can I prepare to meet 75 sets of parents? How do I put into acceptable language "your child needs to be less of a dick?". How does someone who is in charge of children even have such a thought in the first place? Again, I feel that square peg in a round hole doubt. Why is it so hard.

Then I read a paper that sends chills up my spine and I get a different kind of flame. A small glimmer of hope. What if one of these budding authors have the potential to change the world. What if I can make some tiny difference in even one of them. Clearly not in the life of the dick, but perhaps one of the others, who may otherwise go unnoticed. I just don't know.

Tonight these are the ramblings of a slightly mad woman. Tomorrow with the light of day, perhaps I will see my course and have a better understanding of which direction I shall travel. For now I will just have to be content with picking up yet another paper, and hoping for the best.